"MY GEMS NOT YOURS GET AWAY."
by Stuart Newsom

Recently, word came down from Mount Chix0r by our fearless Empress (Lisa, Darth Chix0r, duh) that we have been asked to review “current games.” So I had to sit back and actually think of what games I’ve been playing recently. TF2? Did it. Psychonauts? Did it. Borderlands? Well, I beat one play-through and haven’t decided on the DLC. I had reached an impasse and seeing I don’t have a console right now (contributions to the “Stuart needs a console” fund are always welcome); I didn’t know what to do. So I fired up my favorite Flash gaming site Kongregate to check out the newest titles and saw this long but intriguing title: Cursed Treasure: Don’t Touch My Gems. Then, 3 hours later, I decided I had to write this.

Now, I usually really dislike Tower Defense games; I find them kinda boring and tedious. Have a canyon, build a tower, wave of people, mass homicide, rinse, and repeat... not to say that basic formula isn’t the same here. There’s just a different feel. You’ve got three classes of tower: Orc Huts, Crypts, and Fire Temples, and those towers can only be built on certain parts of the map, Grass, Ice, and Rock respectively. The three towers have different ranges and abilities as they, and you, level up, making the mass homicide easier. The name of the game is protecting your gems in a certain area of the map from different heroes who want to steal them for themselves; hence the “Don’t Touch My Gems” part of the title.

Seems simple. Well, at first it is. But then it gets ridiculously difficult, especially when you’re trying to go for the full award where no one can touch your gems at all. Not even a quick fondling! Then the waves get their own special abilities, like being able to negate certain towers attacks or having ridiculous HP. Then there are the ninjas. Oh, how I hate the ninjas. Hit them once and they throw a smoke bomb, making them invulnerable to all attack range for a moment, making your towers useless. However, you’re prepared with your own magic spells like Frenzy, which increases tower fire rate, Cut Out, which clears out forested areas for more tower building, and Meteor, which DROPS METEORS FROM THE SKY. Yeah, that one wins a bit.

As much as I dislike Tower Defense games, this one has its tentacle hentai-like grips around my gaming sensibilities. (You’re welcome for that image.) The tactical aspects of it are still challenging while not being insane and it’s a fun game to just load up and play for a few minutes. And by a few minutes, I mean a few hours that seem like minutes. Now excuse me, I must get back to Cursed Treasure. Yes, it’s been running in the background as I’ve been writing this. Hey, I don’t want anyone touching MY gems. Unless they ask nicely. Or buy me dinner first.

Overall Rating: 8 out of 10