Sunday Rant: Gears of War Tickers Can Blow It Out Their Crawly Little Explosive Asses
I just recently decided that I like playing Gears of War. DO NOT CONFUSE THIS with me recently “liking” Gears of War. I’ve always liked Gears of War; the architecture is gorgeous, chainsaws should always be an added feature of guns, and absurdly burly men with heads too small for their five-ton bodies and smoker’s voices turn me on.
However, the act of playing it is a whole ‘nother thaaang. I absolutely, whole-heartedly, to the depths of my cold, black, dark, dead soul hate – nay, DESPISE – the cover system. Normally when something irritates me in a game, I can deal with it. I get frustrated here and there… but I make it work. I’m in intelligent humanoid like that. Not with the Gears cover system. It screws me up once and my rage meter shoots off the charts instantly, and I pray the neighbors don’t call the cops in response to the profanity-laden fanfare and sounds of table smashing about to echo through the corridors of this miserable apartment complex.
The cover system: Run straight into a wall, on purpose or by accident, and you will immediately be thrown into cover. OH by the way, the Gears running system allows it so you will never run in the actual direction you want to go (nor tell WHERE you’re running to exactly, because of the shaky-ass camera effect), so you will be running into walls constantly. Just all the time, really. Especially when you’re in a tight spot, and any act other than “running the hell away” will get you murdered.
I just cannot stand it. And then, when you try to get out of cover, your character usually jumps BACK into cover behind something else, so it’s an endless process of hopping BACK and FORTH from WALL to WALL like a JACKASS trying to just RUN THE HELL AWAY. Absolutely retarded.
...
Anyway, cover system aside, I’ve started playing a lot of Horde mode lately with friends. It’s super rad: Wave after wave of bad guys enter the map and you exterminate them (GET IT CUZ THEY’RE LOCUSTS LAWL) until the wave gets too hard and you all die. It’s the most fun I’ve had since Terrorist Hunt in Rainbow Six Vegas Two Word Number.
Then.
Three days of straight playing this game, LOVING IT, kicking ass, taking names, chewing bubble gum, running out of bubble gum, kicking more ass, finally giving Gears a chance and ready to say, “Well, Cliffy. You did it. You already captured my heart with Bulletstorm, guess I’m a Gears fangirl now, too.” What do they do?
THEY SCREW UP HORDE MODE. WITH NOTHING BUT TICKERS. FOR MANY DAYS. AS PROMOTIONAL BULLSHIT FOR GEARS 3. WAVE AFTER WAVE AFTER WAVE OF TICKERS. NOTHING BUT TICKERS. WHY. WHY TICKERS. WHY.
“Oh, we do that as a SUPER SPECIAL FUNSIES MODE so you can level up super duper fast in preparation for Gears 3! Aren’t we nice? Love, Epic Games.”
Uh, forcing a mode on your players instead of giving them an OPTION, which would have only required a small amount of extra coding? YEAH, REAL NICE. Some people actually like playing games for fun, not to level up higher than their douche bag friends for bragging rights.
This has ruined game night for my friends and I... right when it was becoming the best game night I’ve ever had. No one wants to play anymore because of the Ticker mode. So I sit. Lonely. Night after night. With a cold, unused controller in my hand.
Now, shut your hole, I REALIZE this is a temporary mode. I get that. But the fact that this happened right when I finally got a game night started up, and this promo proceeded to ruin my game night, is just mothereffing unfortunate. Put this on a t-shirt: Ticker mode should be an OPTION, NOT a requirement. I bought a game, not a promotional tool, you tools.
Plus, Tickers are stupid and annoying. They are like Jack Russell Terriers with C-4 backpacks, running at you wanting love and attention but leave you dead with muddy dog prints on your jeans.
So, Gears 2’s promotional B.S. for Gears 3 ruined my game night, and it’s going to be like pulling teeth to get game night started up again. Maybe. I don’t know. Probably not. We should just play Left4Dead or something. Who really cares. I don’t know why I’m so mad about this.
But seriously, the fucking cover system.
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September 19th, 2011 - 03:35
I have gears 1 and 2 sitting on my shelf…..I haven’t played either yet. Not sure why it hasn’t hooked me at all whatsoever yet.
September 19th, 2011 - 06:24
….Feel better now?
Don’t worry, I’m with you on this one. I too am “in intelligent humanoid”, but rage-quitting is all I have left until GOW3…
September 19th, 2011 - 07:20
You’re playing the wrong sort of Space Marines :P
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZIUeQZBb3uM/TlyEc9_x-eI/AAAAAAAAAc0/1Xq80hCTtJM/s1600/SpaceMarine_CoverIsForTheWeak.jpg
September 19th, 2011 - 07:25
I LOVE KILLING THOSE FUCKING LIL BASTARDS! 12 gauge shotty works well – so I can beat their ass down when they get close :-) I gotta get me some horde mode while I wait for my copy! Bloody EB stuffed it up :(
September 19th, 2011 - 09:00
lmao I love you Lisa, I really do. Your posts make me smile so profusely ^_^
September 19th, 2011 - 11:17
If you were playing in the same room with your friends, you could always go offline. That would reset Horde to the default.
September 19th, 2011 - 11:34
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
September 19th, 2011 - 12:58
These “Lisa Comics” are gonna be the new Rage Comics of the interwebz. You heard it first on Save Point!
And a screencap from Everyday Achievements! Where’s Episode 4? :(
September 19th, 2011 - 13:03
Yes. I’m up for an L4D game night. You just HAVE TO LET ME KNOW WHEN, AND ACTUALLY CONTACT ME SAYING “HEY LET’S PLAY ESSBOSS NOW” <_>=P
September 19th, 2011 - 13:04
I saw you playing Bulletstorm when you were “busy”. I know how you are. =P
September 19th, 2011 - 13:20
I’m kinda disappointed that there isn’t exploding footballs yet in these games.
September 19th, 2011 - 17:48
Lisa, did you ever play any of the mutations Valve did for L4D2? They’re pretty much exactly what you describe wanting.
…Man, gotta play me some more Left 4 Dead now…
September 19th, 2011 - 18:31
High five on gears cover being 100% whack attack! It is a very fun game, but has major issue.
PS. You have posted a picture above of your friend holding a pink contoller whilst sporting a face like he’s being fisted. Bless him!
September 19th, 2011 - 23:05
My word Lisa, I love your Sunday rants. You hit the nail on the flippin head. I was all Gear’d up :) for some horde mode to get in the mood for Gears 3 and then wtf… Ticker mode, we were all like: Really?!? who the F thought this was a good idea?!? Hopefully the Beast mode will make up for it.
September 22nd, 2011 - 10:15
Sounds to me for every ounce of Gears you would hate, you would love about Space Marine. It even says it on the advertising: Cover is for the weak.